I do not advocate any religion. I was raised confused. (No offense!) My mother was religious, my father an agnostic. Growing up I made a 'friend' in God because I did not know how to pray. I didn't know what to do with him. I got a decent education, acquiring a lot of knowledge and information. But I was launched into the "world" without any values of my own. I think that's what religion gives to people. I don't know, but that's my recent realization after meeting a few Christians, some with very strong set of values. I was like what the f***!
After my feeling of awe subsided, and I stopped evaluating their behavior, I started investigating the role our values play. Values give us a strong and stable base to shape our lives, like the pottery wheel does for clay so that a beautiful clay pot can be made. They dictate the non-negotiables. Things that make you-You. How to set boundaries? What not to compromise? What is wrong? What is right? While I met people with similar backgrounds in India, say Hindus in this case, the values seemed to align, but oh boy, USA was another launch pad. Looking for love without a clear definition of my values was the worst mistake I made. I had no clear idea of what I wanted until too late. I fell in love with a man who didn't have the same values as mine and who shattered my self esteem one step at a time.
He expressed that he wanted to spend his life with me, and I m not talking in a jiffy. In the moment it seemed like he knew what he was saying and intended to see it through. Since one of my values at the time (and still holds true) dictates that I offer my 100% to 'my partner' I loved him with all my heart and soul. There were some very beautiful days, and then there were days when we couldn't understand and support each other. I went on believing that the fights will resolve in time as we gather a better understanding of each other; because my values told me that no matter what, we will figure it out because he said he wants to spend his life with me, so naturally he will see it through. Little did I know what was coming. I got so sidetracked and focused on 'us' that I almost forgot who I was. Or what I wanted or needed in my relationship. I kept taking all the blame, until one day it wasn't enough. Nothing I did was enough and everything was my fault. He wanted a life with me but didn't want to work for it. He didn't want to understand my values or my upbringing, or what love meant to me. He was a great person, just did not understand what love meant. I wish him good luck and I hope he grows in time. I hope he learns that 'nothing worth having comes easy'.
So next time you decide to pour your soul into another person, ask them what commitment really means to them? Discuss with them what support means to them? Ask them if they know how to forgive? Ask them if they will be capable of loving you, if one day you lost yourself and couldn't support them for a while. Ask them if they will be able to forgive you if some day you accidentally killed their pet (not that I killed his pet, but it's a good way to understand how they deal with anger and grievances). Ask them what growth means to them? Observe how they treat their mother and family. If they don't respect their mother, RUN...... Trust me I thought I could change that, but I was so wrong. Above all, never try to shrink yourself for them. If you can't express your struggles, and grow with them in an early stage of your relationship, you will not grow with them later. Find for yourself what you will not sacrifice and see if they can match you. Find your values....
I have finally realized that our values make us who we are. I wish it came to me earlier and easier. While I am a strong headed woman who doesn't take 'no' for an answer, I have a lot to demons that I need to defeat. And off-course I made mistakes, but only I know how much I apologized. But I am not scared anymore and I am not going to look back because I learned a lot. Don't fall in love with potential. If your values are different, you may both give your 100% and still lose. If there was one lesson you could take from my journey its this:
Don't spend your time trying to seek forgiveness from a hurt person. They don't know how to forgive and they will keep dragging you back to their dark place. Their pain has become their identity. If they forgive, they won't know what to do with themselves. Wish them well and let them go. It's not cool to be cocky about what you know. (Lol... this might take a while to sink).
